Au Revoir?

The time has come, says Merry Ted,
To write of fewer things.
For several years his odes have spewed.
He's surely earned his wings.
Aware that, with much younger scribes,
He doesn't cut the mustard:
Old-fashioned views don't make good news.
To them, his 'mettle's rusted.
A little rest is on the cards
From penning compositions.
Some months could pass when reader, you
Might see no fresh additions.
Meanwhile, he'll seek out older rhymes
To reproduce - see here -
In case you wish to view again
The ones he holds most dear.
Blinking Pounds
Good morning, Mr Merry Ted,
How can we help today?
An eye test?  Yes, we'll fit you in
With minimum delay.
I can confirm your vision's good
But, please, do not rush off.
Smart bears, endearingly mature,
With age of a-hem (cough),
Will want to view eye button trays.
Do check our fine selection.
There's every hue imaginable
With full UV protection.
This upper row's Designer Range
For most discerning bear.
We also offer part exchange
And first-class after-care.
Brown is indeed, attractive.
That shade suits you, I agree.
May I suggest the tawny rim
For bears haute bourgeoisie.
You might consider anti-glare
By choosing special coating.
We guarantee it's dazzle-free,
An extra worth your noting.
The weight of glass?  I do advise
Our best, the super-thin,
So head won't slump to front or side
Or chest collide with chin.
The cost?  Insurance?  Fitting?
I'll calculate your bill.
With discount it's eight hundred pounds.
My word, you're looking ill!
I have enjoyed our tête-aux-yeux
It's good we're now acquainted.
A pleasure doing business, Sir,
If only you'd not fainted.

Visit to the Dentist
This bear has to go to the dentist
For all is not merry and bright.
There are holes where there ought to be fillings
And one tooth has been hurting all night.
"An emergency, is it?" the Voice asks,
"You can have an appointment at three."
Loins girded, he sinks while chair's lowered,
"Open wide.  Oh, my goodness me!
They certainly need my attention."
Eyes shut (not the dentist's, we hope)
His mouth is infilled with equipment,
Skilled fingers start tugging, and grope.
"That's done.  It's all over.  Extractions
Will cost, you, Sir, some of your money.
In a very short time you'll be back to your prime
Eating smackerel and licking up honey."

Bear-faced Cheek
When you lift a toilet seat
You don't expect to see
A massive floating insect
The size of you or me.
Well, some exaggeration,
But legs and wings are spread
From bowl side to the other.
I hope that it is dead.
It looks so black and bulbous
Yet nothing like a bee
Or wasp or even hornet,
There are no stripes to see.
However did it get there?
It doesn't bear to think,
Perhaps it buzzed around at night
And flew in for a drink.
I cover it with paper
Try prodding with the brush.
When still there is no sign of life
I give the loo a flush.
You'd think the thing would vanish.
I press the flush once more
Then watch the wretched beast pop up
Much bigger than before.
I'm feeling rather vulnerable
Especially bear-arsed.
There may not be a quorum
But the motion will be passed.

Bear brother has been honoured
With huge Party in the Garden
(Garden Party would be better
But it rhymes not, beg your pardon).
He's "done good" in the community
Hence crested invitation
To rub shoulders with the Royals
At a Palace celebration.
One subject in eight thousand
He was there that afternoon
Arriving at the Gate quite late
On sunny day in June.
Security was extra-tight
Armed bobbies scanned the guests,
Vigilant and steely-eyed
With weapons strapped to chests.
Vast gardens were a joy to see
And food entirely splendid.
A chat with royal personages
Was how the beano ended.
His Royal Highness came and asked
"Were you able to eat tea?"
With nodding head, bear brother said
He actually ate three!
Tucked up at night, Prince Charles would write
In journal, "We've been where
We mixed with all the hoi polloi
And very greedy bear."

Bells and Whistles
Ted rode in a car the other day
That made his fur ends spike.
So many bells and whistles
He's never seen the like.
It had a hundred buttons
And levers on display
That went beyond sane reason
And blew his mind away.
Apparently, one's blue teeth
Can cement wi-fi connection
With seven-inch screen on dashboard
For a Spotify selection!
This is a foreign language
To creatures who're immersed
In antiquated culture
And sixteenth century verse.
Do we need SatNav, rear camera,
Automated pre-set functions,
Elec-terrific windows,
Sound warnings at all junctions?
He remembers with affection
Ford Cortina as the best,
Morris Minor, Standard Vanguard,
Austin, Cresta and the rest.
Aware he is more dull bear
Than bright-eyed, most eager beaver,
He far prefers Ye Olde
Hillman Imp and Vauxhall Viva.

Premium Bonds
National Savings and Investments here.
You've had a win on Ernie
But when you tried to pay cheque in
You had a wasted journey?
If I understand correctly
You drove yourself to town
Paid parking charge and walked to Bank
To find it had closed down.
I'll take you through some questions
So whatever the amount
Of winnings in the future
Will transfer to your account.
Give age, address and email.
I'll try not to keep you waiting
While I look into your profile
And confirm your credit rating.
I'm sorry you consider this
A whit unorthodox.
Let me explain, I have a script
And must tick every box.
Why do we check your credit
When we'll be paying you?
I'll mark that down as feedback
From investor's point of view.
Are you still there?  Hello again!
With diligent persistence
I've hunted, but my search reveals
No trace of your existence.
There is another option,
Download our form and then.....
Oh!  You've posted one to us before?
Well, why not try again?
Yes, I really am in Glasgow,
I'm not speaking from Mumbai.
If there's no more I can help you with,
Enjoy your day.  Goodbye!