The time has come, says Merry Ted, To write of fewer things. For several years his odes have spewed. He's surely earned his wings. Aware that, with much younger scribes, He doesn't cut the mustard: Old-fashioned views don't make good news. To them, his 'mettle's rusted. A little rest is on the cards From penning compositions. Some months could pass when reader, you Might see no fresh additions. Meanwhile, he'll seek out older rhymes To reproduce - see here - In case you wish to view again The ones he holds most dear.
Blinking Pounds Good morning, Mr Merry Ted, How can we help today? An eye test? Yes, we'll fit you in With minimum delay. I can confirm your vision's good But, please, do not rush off. Smart bears, endearingly mature, With age of a-hem (cough), Will want to view eye button trays. Do check our fine selection. There's every hue imaginable With full UV protection. This upper row's Designer Range For most discerning bear. We also offer part exchange And first-class after-care. Brown is indeed, attractive. That shade suits you, I agree. May I suggest the tawny rim For bears haute bourgeoisie. You might consider anti-glare By choosing special coating. We guarantee it's dazzle-free, An extra worth your noting. The weight of glass? I do advise Our best, the super-thin, So head won't slump to front or side Or chest collide with chin. The cost? Insurance? Fitting? I'll calculate your bill. With discount it's eight hundred pounds. My word, you're looking ill! I have enjoyed our tête-aux-yeux It's good we're now acquainted. A pleasure doing business, Sir, If only you'd not fainted. Visit to the Dentist This bear has to go to the dentist For all is not merry and bright. There are holes where there ought to be fillings And one tooth has been hurting all night. "An emergency, is it?" the Voice asks, "You can have an appointment at three." Loins girded, he sinks while chair's lowered, "Open wide. Oh, my goodness me! They certainly need my attention." Eyes shut (not the dentist's, we hope) His mouth is infilled with equipment, Skilled fingers start tugging, and grope. "That's done. It's all over. Extractions Will cost, you, Sir, some of your money. In a very short time you'll be back to your prime Eating smackerel and licking up honey." Bear-faced Cheek When you lift a toilet seat You don't expect to see A massive floating insect The size of you or me. Well, some exaggeration, But legs and wings are spread From bowl side to the other. I hope that it is dead. It looks so black and bulbous Yet nothing like a bee Or wasp or even hornet, There are no stripes to see. However did it get there? It doesn't bear to think, Perhaps it buzzed around at night And flew in for a drink. I cover it with paper Try prodding with the brush. When still there is no sign of life I give the loo a flush. You'd think the thing would vanish. I press the flush once more Then watch the wretched beast pop up Much bigger than before. I'm feeling rather vulnerable Especially bear-arsed. There may not be a quorum But the motion will be passed. Highness Bear brother has been honoured With huge Party in the Garden (Garden Party would be better But it rhymes not, beg your pardon). He's "done good" in the community Hence crested invitation To rub shoulders with the Royals At a Palace celebration. One subject in eight thousand He was there that afternoon Arriving at the Gate quite late On sunny day in June. Security was extra-tight Armed bobbies scanned the guests, Vigilant and steely-eyed With weapons strapped to chests. Vast gardens were a joy to see And food entirely splendid. A chat with royal personages Was how the beano ended. His Royal Highness came and asked "Were you able to eat tea?" With nodding head, bear brother said He actually ate three! Tucked up at night, Prince Charles would write In journal, "We've been where We mixed with all the hoi polloi And very greedy bear." Bells and Whistles Ted rode in a car the other day That made his fur ends spike. So many bells and whistles He's never seen the like. It had a hundred buttons And levers on display That went beyond sane reason And blew his mind away. Apparently, one's blue teeth Can cement wi-fi connection With seven-inch screen on dashboard For a Spotify selection! This is a foreign language To creatures who're immersed In antiquated culture And sixteenth century verse. Do we need SatNav, rear camera, Automated pre-set functions, Elec-terrific windows, Sound warnings at all junctions? He remembers with affection Ford Cortina as the best, Morris Minor, Standard Vanguard, Austin, Cresta and the rest. Aware he is more dull bear Than bright-eyed, most eager beaver, He far prefers Ye Olde Hillman Imp and Vauxhall Viva. Premium Bonds National Savings and Investments here. You've had a win on Ernie But when you tried to pay cheque in You had a wasted journey? If I understand correctly You drove yourself to town Paid parking charge and walked to Bank To find it had closed down. I'll take you through some questions So whatever the amount Of winnings in the future Will transfer to your account. Give age, address and email. I'll try not to keep you waiting While I look into your profile And confirm your credit rating. I'm sorry you consider this A whit unorthodox. Let me explain, I have a script And must tick every box. Why do we check your credit When we'll be paying you? I'll mark that down as feedback From investor's point of view. Are you still there? Hello again! With diligent persistence I've hunted, but my search reveals No trace of your existence. There is another option, Download our form and then..... Oh! You've posted one to us before? Well, why not try again? Yes, I really am in Glasgow, I'm not speaking from Mumbai. If there's no more I can help you with, Enjoy your day. Goodbye!